Muffin's fight begins

I didn't expect to be so distressed during Larissa's first chemotherapy session, yesterday. The thought railroaded into my brain that, "They're poisoning my baby" & I just couldn't shake it. Finally I sat out in the sun on my lunch break & took out my knitting. Within minutes I was calm and at peace. Then I remembered that knitting was the only thing I could do after you left us. Something about the process, the motion, the gradually growing piece, perhaps the fond memories of past projects, I don't know; it just works - for me, anyway.

She's strong & will make it; I just wish she didn't have to. I commented on her Facebook page that I would gladly take this from her, but maybe I would just be helping a butterfly out of its coccoon.

Found my old diary; opened to a random page and got this from April 4th, 2010:

". . . the thought came to me that Heavenly Father doesn't always ask us to do what we think we can, sometimes He asks us to do what we know we can't. That's how He gets to touch and strengthen our lives."

Another wound has opened

Just as I felt myself passing another round of healing from your loss a new wound opens up. Our beloved Muffin has been diagnosed with breast cancer and faces surgery, possibly combined with radiation & chemotherapy. Unlike your case, her chances of survival are good - in the 90% range - but the blow is starting to sink me. She seems to be holding up well, and we WILL get through this; I just wish we didn't have to :-(

The caption for this picture reads, "The only thing that matters". For her that is one person; for me it is two. Thank you for being where you are, watching over us and walking beside us in your kind, gentle way.

Your headstone looks great!

I had to wait to post the photo I took until I got home because my tablet has difficulty with pictures, but your dad & sister, Olivia, picked a nice, simple headstone with snapdragons on it. The only thing I would have liked to add would have been the one scripture I told myself I would put on a headstone if the Unthinkable happened and I lost a child:

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

I am surprised at the closure this little monument brings. I feel the cycle of grief has been completed in some way & I can move on to the rest of my life while still revering yours. It's like I don't feel I have to keep checking up on you any more. I will still miss you (always) and go to visit when I can, but some part of the wound in my heart has been healed.

Arohanui, Gingle.

Coming to see you in 2 days! Your dad has ordered a headstone so we won't just have that lonely patch of grass to sit by :-) Muffin is bringing Violet & we will all cry together - and laugh as much as we can. The Jorge Platter at Salazar's is DEFINITELY on the menu. Thanks for the gentle visits. I really appreciate them.

Almost 2 years; seems like a day!

Missing you lots today. It started yesterday when I went into the Safeway store near our old apartment. I felt your absence in that familiar place more than I have for months. Today I sit in Sacrament meeting remembering the one time I heard you bless the sacred emblems, then the last time we took it together in your room at the hospital. You couldn't eat that day, but we held hands. I know this moment will pass, but I find myself wanting every moment I had with you back; now; all at once. Plus all the years I missed. See you soon (in God's time).

Peace, at last

It's taken 21 months, but the past few days have seemed happier than the previous 500-or-so. A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I think he was speaking to me:

I need the scars to remind me of my Father's care for me. It's personal.

Happy Birthday

I want to say so much, but I want to say it to YOU, so I think I'll just stay quiet & "Try A Smile"

I'd rather be at the Temple than at work, but it's closed on Mondays & work isn't ;-)

Another change

Wow! I actually found myself thinking of you dying & found myself SMILING! Does that mean "acceptance" has finally taken hold? Maybe it's that I am finally back to reading scriptures every day. It could be that panoramic view of life through the ages is helping me see your leaving as the happy progression it is meant to be. Still wish I could talk with you about it.

Love you!