Pink ribbons make me sad. I know I could wear one for 'Rissa's victory over Hodgkins Lymphoma, but what do I wear for George? Everybody gets so all-fired-up about beating cancer or knowing someone who did. Some of us don't feel so lucky. Some of us have to go on empty-handed, with nothing but fading memories of lives NOT lived; at least, not lived long enough.
Survivor's guilt, loss, anger, all those things slow me down. People have told me how brave I am and how well I am handling this.
They have no idea!
It reminds me of how people say things like, "I couldn't imagine losing a sibling". Neither could I. Then it happened.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I survived Hodgkins, but it's never felt like a huge victory. I had something that modern medicine has figured out how to fix. It's that simple. I was never going to die just like George was never going to survive...not from what he had. It makes me crazy and sane at the same time because it completely removes all "what if's" and "if only's". There was nothing else that could happen. I COULD have died if I ignored it, sure. But there was no other option for George. I guess that's where my acceptance comes in. There was no other option.